Friday, February 8, 2013

An Introspective

I am a very introspective person.  I take a lot of time to think about why I am, how I am and how I act.  Sometimes I wonder how I got to where I am for a while.  Not so much in a regretful, 'what I would have done differently.'  But more of a consideration of what it says about me.

I have already decided on my greatest public fault and have fears about my greatest private one.  I think these traits have defined my path in life.  They have limited me and put me in the position I am in now. Escapism through games, distancing myself from many social situations, stagnant.

Even now, I'm almost fighting the urge to stop typing.  To not just express publicly my faults.  Perhaps because it would establish them as more real?  Or their own self preserving characteristics are trying to limit me.

I think that if I could develop my self expression further it may help me develop.  It may help me grow and perhaps even improve my life.  It's my fault I'm not very good at it.  I use sarcasm and jokes.  I do everything in my power to be witty or 'charming' or silent.  I excuse everything I do, and sabotage my own air of confidence with loopholes and escape routes in my text and speech.  Even simple things I'm confident about I can subvert almost unconsciously.

Here I guess is as good a place as any to admit a few personal things about myself.  With a regular readership probably numbering 2 due to my own lack of activity, it is a good place to start.  Test the waters.  Here I likely wont get any readers I know (regardless of my advertising to friends.)

For all my introversion, I don't know who I am.  It's the easiest admission of coarse.  I hear it's quite common, especially in my young age.  I've been working five years at a job (note terminology, not career, job) that I'm sure I'm appreciated at... unofficially.  I don't like what I do.  I'm not bad at it, I'm not great at it, better than 95% of the people there for sure.  But I don't know where I really want to go, or how to get there, or even if this industry is right for me.

I know I wasted 5 years at college, that's for sure.  Half the new hires that get paid as much as I do have no college education, or completely irrelevant one.  Most of them look to me for knowledge that I don't have and I ask myself if I even deserve to be where I am.  I give a snarky answer, point them towards someone else and go on my life and feel like I hope I wont get caught in some kind of weird lie.  I feel guilty.

I wake up in the morning and hurriedly put out the alarm feeling guilty that I may have woken my partner.  I then proceed to put on some clothes and turn on the computer.  I then feel guilty I spend time on the computer rather than make breakfast for me and my partner.  Then, at the last second I make a quick lunch and feel guilty about all the crap I stuff in my backpack.

Some days I give a ride to my partner and feel guilty I only drop them off half way since they're downtown.  I get to work and feel guilty I don't do an earlier shift.  It's not necessary for my job, but there's still other folks doing it that need to.  I start my day by checking emails and feel guilty about what I didn't realize would be a problem, or about getting some more hot water for tea or whatever.  Eventually the end of the day comes, and as I'm feeling guilty about all the work I didn't do (but was of coarse not asked of me or even scheduled) I feel guilty about the game I am attending, or about to attend on Wednesdays or Fridays.  That or I feel guilty that I hope when I get home my partner will not be there and I can have half an hour or an hour to myself.

If I do get time to myself, I feel guilty about the masturbation, or the not preparing dinner in advance, or whatever I do or don't do.  Then during the time we have together I feel guilty that I play video games, or don't talk enough, or hold hands enough or am clean enough, or don't clean enough...  Finally I go to bed thinking about me, and how I ended up here and how I feel guilty that I can't get over my issues.

Guilt isn't a problem though, it's a symptom.  Just like my depression.  I know depression, I've felt it a lot before.  A long time ago I was even borderline suicidal.  It is an interesting and unique feeling looking at the concrete support of an overpass and wondering how it would play out to hit it at oh... 100mph.  I used to take 3 hour drives bi weekly back in those early college days.

That depression was triggered initially in a low grade form by generic acne medication.  This was compounded by my first girlfriend's desire to join the military.  She was not very stable mentally I feel, but that might be my bias.  This made me angry, sad and confused.  That's why she broke up with me.  That made me reached my lowest of low.

That's how I know I'm depressed.  It's mild, slightly compounded by stress and guilt.  Not that any of you would worry, but it's not that bad yet, nor do I think it will get that bad.  I don't ask myself what I give to the world, or list who would miss me in my mind as I go to sleep... or well, try.

I don't know how to deal with real emotions.  Every time I feel something other than amusement, like at a movie, or a book, it feels like the only response is to cry.  It seems so pointless, and as I was raised, wrong.  It wont solve anything will it?  But what is there to solve?

I wont cry because I want to be strong.  I've felt that way since my brother died, while watching them lower the casket, holding in one hand my father's hand, and one hand my mothers hand.  I felt like one of us needed to be a rock, and they were so torn up like frothing waves that I should be that rock.  It's all so damn hard though.  Trying to take up this role stuck with me, and now the only people I feel safe enough to talk about it to is the anonymity of the internet.  Sort of.

I'm too damn stubborn inside.  I seem so wishy washy outside, but looking at it now, inside I'm stubborn.  I dunno, that's not what I thought my private fault was.

I thought it was that I feared failure.  I feared looking weak or showing fault.  'We were all teased as kids.  I was no exception.'  I put that in a single quote after writing it.  It's cliched and wrong.  It's a weak line and doesn't convey things properly.  Using someone else's words so completely isn't right.  I was hurt as a child.  By other children who were probably hurt by someone else.  I may have hurt other children too.  If I were wrong, or showed weakness, or lack of knowledge in some area it would immediately be jumped on.  I think that learning stuck.  Didn't help I spent more time at home with legos or three different board games thinking up games recombining their elements for me and my teddy bear to play, than outside with other kids around my home.

I think it may be a common fault.  All the new stuff going around work says that that fear is a sign I will not succeed in life. But what is success?  There's no reward other than dying in life.  So I may not succeed in my job.  Or maybe once I get a career in that either.  I guess this realization is supposed to make me seek out self help books and go to more work seminars.

My public fault is that I am too easy going.  I'm too accepting of inconveniences.  Of the things in life that successful people get so irritated about that they do something about it.  But since I'm so easy going, it doesn't bother me enough to do anything about it.

For the longest time I didn't want to make this blog personal.  Just games.  But games replicate life.  Or help us escape it.  Where are we escaping from?  Where are we escaping to?  I hope it's nice getting this off my back.  Maybe just for a little while.  Maybe in the future I'll talk more.  We could touch on my furry inclinations, or maybe my poor memory.  Or maybe I wont be depressed and I can do a post on my greatest successes, as minor as they may be, or the things I like, love and care about.

Or maybe I'll rethink a midnight post and delete this a few days down the road.


  1. I read this close to when you first posted it, began a reply, hesitated then stopped. I'm not sure whether advice is being asked and whether or not I really have anything to say that won't come off as trite. Perhaps just an acknowledgement that somebody is listening? I'll start with that. You're no alone.

  2. I'm not sure myself. I think it was because I felt I needed to say something. Something about everything.

    I'm in a very stressful point in my life, with a number of transitions and things outside my power. Half of which I can't talk about due to legal stuff.

    Perhaps it was just to blow off some steam. I honestly do have a half written post to bring this one off the front page, but with a trip, said transitions and a number of other things piling up, I haven't gotten around to writing it.

    With some patience I will push the personal stuff off the page. I will hopefully have some more content incoming in the next few weeks.

    As a teaser, I have a game that I may be running, an analysis of a previous game from a players perspective, and I would really like to write about improvisational play from my player perspective.

    The hard part is just wedging that into my schedule since it isn't as emotionally therapeutic as a number of other activities. The analytical part of my brain being on minimal power as the above post seems to be all it can shit out.

  3. Also James, I am not offended or put off by anyone's lack of desire to reply to this very personal post.

    I understand it may be awkward to have that degree of honesty and excessive information broadcast into your home.

    It is just the facts as I know them. Perhaps not how they actually are.

  4. I am very sorry that I am only reading this now, 18 days after the fact.

    This is extraordinarily brave. Brave because you know what it means to write this and brave because some of us do know you and interact with you every day.

    We spoke earlier today. I enjoyed your company. I think you underestimate how important that is to me.

    James is right; you're not alone.